Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   people talk about working on their "summer body" but I've been working on my winter body for years

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He's laying in the snow and I won't share the picnic table with him.

   We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

   No matter how bad your attempt at breaking into a prison, it'll work.

   Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!

   I'm so old I remember when the UPS guy used to throw package on my porch and run away for no reason.

   My girlfriend told me I snored like a gorilla last night. I told her it’s because I suffer from sleep ape•nea.

   food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction ~Elena Gabrielle

   I'm hard at work writing song lyrics which center around my offering a ride to those asking to be taken to Funkytown.

   My daughter just found the dog leash and collar Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

   If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spray them.

   Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!

   I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him

   My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

   oh shiit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and I legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!

   Security Guard: You can't bring outside food in here Me: This is a service burrito

   Just turned on an old Windows 7 machine that hasn’t been used in 10 years. “Installing update 1 of 97”

   Sitting at the window with my dog watching people go by outside and barking at them