Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Real valentine Holiday is 15Feb...when chocolate is 70% off!

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

   Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.

   I think I may have a wee bit too much green beer last night. I woke up this morning next to Paddy O'Furniture

   If there is a watermelon why isn't there an earthmelon and firemelon and airmelon? You know…the elemelons

   Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"

   You will NEVER find the love of your life, if YOU ARE the love of your life.

   Just got scammed out of $15. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

   I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress

   Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him

   I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.

   The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.

   BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.

   Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound