Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pets are animals that aren’t delicious.

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   I don't know if Anthony Weiner's weiner is that big but it's sure casts a very long shadow....

   If your name is Nancy and you get pregnant you will be pregnancy.

   2016 stop it with the great musicians. You know that Nickelback is still around!

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   Desert is different from Dessert. You can have as many desserts as you want, but you can only stand in one desert at a time, the english laungauge will get you every time. . .

   Happy Single's Discrimination Day. You'll be takiing matters in your own hands. Don't forget to clean up. . .. . .

   Yes, I'm Italian. But don't care about Sinatra, The Godfather or Al Pacino. I'm in it for the food.

   Whats the Canadian National Anthem again?

   I guess alot of people woke up on the wrong side of the wall today

   OK WHO NEEDS MOVING BOXES?

   Who did you vote for?☐ Clinton ☐ Trump ☑ Vodka

   An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.

   On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   People act like they've never seen winter before. It happens every f'n year, ya know?

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. RIP Carrie Fisher.

   Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

   I feel an originality rush coming on. Think I'll make a dog face on Snapchat.