Funny Status Messages
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My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail. 
I wonder what they talk about in water cooler factories?
2010: You're only cool if you have silly bands. 2011: Planking is the bomb! 2012: Let's go choke on cinnamon
There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in, "Everyone in this office is an idiot and I work better by myself."
A virus caused me to reset my phone... I don't need anyone's number again, but if my exes can resend me those 'special' pictures... I'd appreciate it...
The way I just scratched my back on the orner of the wall, leads me to believe I would be a pretty good male stripper!!!
HEY,, I've only have 26 letters to work with.... Don't expect miracles.
Sorry I'm not Adele. I don't wish the best for you nor do I want to find someone like you. I do however want to set fire to all your stuff!!
Some people don't have the ability to laugh at themselves... and that's where I come in!
Just stubbed my toe on life
"That's the power of German engineering" is a great slogan for your product if you're selling fear
I turn the music louder so I won't hear my thoughts, but it's stupid because the lyrics remind me of what I'm trying to forget.
"Another day, Another dollar" -Some loser who only makes $365 a year
Confidence is sexy, unless you're a fat girl wearing yoga pants in public.
You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless.
Special merry xmas to all the essential personnel that have to work this holiday season i.e. doctors nurses cops..fire men 7-11 employees ..!!
If I was homeless, I'd play it smart. My sign would say "Will have sex with any woman for food." That way, both of my needs are satisfied.
Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I'm going as "Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 19th."
If your girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you and lied about it, you would be way more pissed than if they just cheated on you, told you, and you could either work it out or break up with them
Melissa Etheridge is single, with four kids by two different chicks. Sounds like someone is ready for the NBA. 