Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the amount of Viagra Hugh Hefner has taken at his age, good luck closing the casket lid.

   Found On Sale At Walmart: Hillary's Wall Street speeches, only $249,999.99 each.

   Everyone is an atheist until you drop their baby....

   It took him 5 seconds to talk about Mexico and China. *sigh*

   I just bought the "Best of 2 Pac” CD and it's blank.

   Pro Tip: Dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like lavender rain drops!

   Wait. No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair? Now how am I supposed to kill myself??

   The problem joining Scientology is that you just know they'll give Tom Cruise the best spaceship.

   The first thing I do when someone introduces themselves to me is forget what their name is

   ur as fake as my Christmas tree

   December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.

   "X the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :) "... People who post things like this are why I fear for our future.

   I'm home getting hammered while she's out getting nailed.

   And with the 6th pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Robert Denton ESQ, Defense attorney, Harvard.

   There needs to be a bar that delivers alcohol so they can reduce Getting arrested

   WARNING...If you are on my friends list and we have NEVER spoken to one another AND you don't bother to "like" one of my status updates... I am not gonna do sh*t.... because I am FAR too lazy.

   maybe vodka is addicted to ME

   Guys in relationships would probably be happier if their girls would try blowing them more instead of everything out of proportion.

   Two's company, three sounds like fun.

   not all handsome guys have girlfriends. some of them had boyfriends.