Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I said "We have chemistry between us" I just meant I roofied your drink

   An app that tracks a woman's PMS iMad, if you will.

   4/26 Happy 48th birthday Melania

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

   If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

   I don’t need the Government to run my life. I can screw it up all by myself.

   I tried killing a spider with a can of cheap hairspray. Now it smokes two packs a day, joined a bowling league, wears blue eye shadow and calls itself Brenda.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   What happens when 2 Egyptians pass gas at the same time? They have a toot in common.

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing. To let me know when I am wrong.

   The same people who were making tiktok videos when quarantine started are the ones rioting now

   Q:How many games have the Kentucky Wildcats lost in their history? A: None... but they've been cheated out of a lot

   Those NK missles all have "Thanks Bill" stickers on the side.

   Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station.

   A Patriots fan from Watertown Mass won the 700 million dollar Powerball jackpot. They probably figured out a way to cheat.........

   Pro Tip: Guys, start out like a butterfly and finish like a bulldog eating oatmeal...

   Florida is going to be covered in stripper glitter and cocaine pretty soon.

   In 1813 Women had no rights. In 1913 women had some rights. In 2013 women think they're always right.

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.