Funny Status Messages
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Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter. 
Her: If I'm going to go down on you, can I at least have a hair band? Him: Of course *press play on Skid Row CD*
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness. Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
Never trust a girl who has her own face set as the background of her phone.
Mike Tyson claims he was high during fights. Strange he seemed so normal and in control of himself.
The best thing about all these crazy Potato Chip flavors is that we don't need to make side dishes for the Turkey this year.
it spelled Beiber or Bieber? I want this death threat to sound legit.
One of my biggest fears is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."
Hot singles in your area want to work out and eat healthy while you watch Netflix in your underwear .
Sorry Can't....I'm Writing "Dora The" on every Ford Explorer in this mall parking lot.
My greatest fear is that I'll have on dirty underwear & the emergency first responders will just leave me to die... * I blame my mom for this
When I think of all the money I’ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Wow! That dude just paid his bill with swag, Said no one ever
5 Stages of Life: 1. Just a kid. 2. Don’t want to be a kid. 3. Afraid you’re still a kid. 4. Definitely not a kid. 5. Wish you were a kid.
funny how $trap on spelled backwards is no parts
Panda Express: Chinese for "You're gonna wish you didn't eat that."
Hotel showers range anywhere from "Gently peeing on you" to "Dear God, this is going to rip my nipples off!"
So the clown at my kid's birthday party has been pulling a CVS receipt out of his sleeve for the past 20 minutes..
Saw a guy in a trucker hat, with a handle bar moustache, wearing a bowtie, carrying a stack of records with an iguana on his shoulder walking down the street. Didn't think it was possible to OD on hipster
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it's a small soft drink. 