Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bank Teller: "Sir, your account is overdrawn." Me: "So are your eyebrows, but you made it work, didn't you?"

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

   I really don’t understand why my neighbors have to be outside when I’m outside.

   Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds

   If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they'll fill your antidepressants faster.

   Hey ... If you want to stop all of these Protests and Riots .... Just start playing the National Anthem .... They will all either sit down or take a knee.

   It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.

   I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.

   Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations

   Pay no attention to anything I say when I'm drunk..or sober..or any other time.

   It makes me sad that elderberries are always being replaced by younger, hotter berries.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

   Politician: someone who only opens their mouth to change feet.

   The bright side of a zombie apocalypse is you no longer have to keep up with the Kardashians.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that's a D you moron !

   Every time the doorbell rings my dog will go and sit in a corner........ He' a boxer.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.

   Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.