Funny Status Messages
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Be kind to the people wearing masks while driving who might be the people delivering your food. 
Not today, Satan. Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Whiskey is not the answer. Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess* *pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
And They Want $15 An Hour: "Welcome to McDonald's." "Can I get a half dozen chicken nuggets please?" "We only serve 6, 10 or 20 piece." "So you don't sell half a dozen chicken nuggets?" "No sir." "Okay, I'll take the 6 piece."
Spicer reminds me of a toddler who got caught with his hands in the cookie jar, and crumbs on his face, trying to convince everyone that he wasn't the person who took the cookies.
A 99-year-old guy and his 96-year-old wife getting divorced. They never got along and people kept saying, “Why did you wait so long to get a divorce?” And they said, “We want to wait until the kids were dead.”
After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands.
"Damn, this is going to get ugly" I thought, as my wife removed her makeup!
Since the stores are all sold out... I'm thinking maybe Trump can get us some of those paper towels back he gave to Puerto Rico.
Did you hear the joke about the cure for COVID19? It's a riot.
The Washington Redskins are dropping the name "Redskins" for cultural correctness, which is fantastic. But, to prevent other global embarrassments, I would drop the "Washington " as well
I don’t get the phrase “cool as a cucumber” because I’ve never seen a cucumber with a tribal tattoo.
Growing a beard is the closest I've come to caring for an animal.
When women say "It's not what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that counts", we all know what they are talking about Men's wallets.
Motivating my office co-workers is like hammering square pegs into unwilling sphincters
Women, when it comes to doggy style, men are behind you 100%
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
Saying I am hard to shop for is admitting that you don't know where the liquor store is. 