Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

   If you're wondering what all the talk about "Karens" means. It's a large group of women in charge of the homeowners association.

   I started wearing a mask before everyone started doing it, but then again I've always been a trendsetter like that.

   My mouth was numbed and I licked all over my orthodontist’s finger thinking it was my gums so now I can never go back and will have braces forever

   price doesn't always equal quality. A 50 dollar hooker works harder than 250 dollar hooker.

   I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

   My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

   The next person to take my status seriously is getting $500

   YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

   Autocorrect can be your best fiend or your worst enema.

   This year's "must have" Halloween costume is a level 4 biohazard suit

   How come no one has came up with a skeleton turkey inflatable with a santa hat on so you can put it out october 1st and take it down after Christmas.

   Baker: Is there a problem? Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

   If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

   Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.

   I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

   Marriage tip #2: If your wife is acting kind of tired, to help her out, you can make her a to-do list. And when you give it to her, she will be thankful that you did all the thinking work for her.

   NASA plans on looking for water on other planets besides Mars..... I would drink water from other planets. I’m not sure about water from Uranus, though

   The last time I went to see my uncle in hospital the nurse was rubbing vaseline on his back He went down hill very quickly afterwards

   Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.