Funny Status Messages
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Reasons why I'm still single: ✔ can't date the internet. ✔ can't date my favorite celebrity. ✔ can't date Facebook. ✔ can't date myself.. 
That little girl has already made more money than all of us and banged hotter chicks. good on her
Less than 2% of people polled believed former Penn State coach Jerry San-butt-sky's claims of innocence in an interview last night which makes him even less popular than male pole dancing among the American public!
Dont treat your lady like rubbish or another man will just recycle her
not every pony grows up to be a Pegasus
The Pumpkin pie ingredients pumpkin, spice, cinnamon, puree, sugar, Brown sugar actually sound a lot like the lineup at the strip club.
Billy Joel's "In the Middle of the Night" had to be inspired by a 3am piss.
facebook sucks for people with attention deficit....oooh, a comment
Don't you hate it when a chocolate chip blocks the straw of your Starbucks coffee and you realize that you have no real problems?
Ladies: If you get an an argument with your man and you want to win or just want the argument to be over with, Just get naked and see how fast his attitude changes...
I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like "Y the hell did I date you?!"
Dear Santa, I was framed!
To me the song "Baby its cold outside" will always sound like an attempted abduction.
RUMORS are carried by HATERS, spread by FOOLS and accepted by IDIOTS.
This Suri feature on the new I-Phone 4S is too realistic. I had phone sex with her last night and now this morning she's not speaking to me because I didn't hold her afterwards...
If friends could be bought at the store, I'd have gotten a good deal on mine, because those “slightly irregular” bins are always discounted
Evidently, one of the women Herman Cain allegedly sexually harassed was German. When asked to comment, the victim said "Nein! Nein! Nein!"
In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.
A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford.
Your inspirational quotes have inspired me to unfriend you. 