Funny Status Messages
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Racism isn't about skin color. It's about behaving like an orangutan amped up on bath salts. 
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Lady in labor, shouting the usual sh!t, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you f&cker!” He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a$$, but you said, ‘f&c
Ice Bucket Challenge = Monkey see Monkey Do
How many weight watchers points are pot brownies?
The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.
Wonder if Hillary is feeling lonely now that nobody cares about her emails or how corrupt she is?
That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sammiches.
Hmmm ...Tuesday Bill Clinton has secret meeting on private jet with Attorney General Loretta Lynch, On Thursday The Attorney General has ALL Clinton Foundation emails sealed until 2018. Coincidence? or is it time to wake up to the corrupting of America!!
Everyone's an atheist until they clog the toilet in someone else's house.
DATING TIP: make sure your girlfriend knows that you're dating her.
Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband. "Miss" for one hour and "Stress" for the 23 hours.
" I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.
If you open Internet Explorer and listen carefully, you can hear the computer whisper “Kill me now, please!!.”
No officer, I didn't see you in my rear view; my eyes haven't left my phone for at least the past 5 miles.
i joined a bridge club, I'm so excited. I jump tomorrow.
If these walls could talk, I'd move out because having talking walls would a little freaky...
You have "Swag"? I bet that looks great on your McDonald's application.
Sitting at a crossroad, strange I don't see Bones, Thug or Harmony
I bet if my favorite rock stars saw how hard I rock out & jam to their music they would say "I want to hang out with that dude forever." 