Funny Status Messages

   I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day. -why spelling matters

   I bet you won’t judge the tattoos of the person saving your life.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   I don't personally like 4/20, national pot day.. my favorite is 421.. surprise drug test day.

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   they are illegal!!!! If they were legal no one would have a problem with it.

   I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had $12 in her purse.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there's one."

   Can a woman make you a Millionaire... Yes, if you a Billionaire

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.

   She asked him, "What kind of wedding would you want?" He replied, "The one that would make you my wife."

   I wonder who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian marriage?

   The worst part about getting some ass is when your fingers break through the toilet paper.

   “Happy New Year 2000! Have a fantastic year, and successful 2000!” - New York Alzheimer's Society

   When the creator of photoshop dies.. All you girls gone go back to being UGLY..

   I slept like a baby last night,,,,of course minus the peeing and pooping on myself.......

   Save water – take a bath with your neighbor's wife.

   If you can't amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bulls**t.

   Sent a message asking 30 women if they want to go out with me, 26 said yes but unfortunately had to tell them it was april fools.

   To the woman at the supermarket with seven screaming kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your trolley when your head was turned. Remember it's a Vagina NOT a Clown Car