Funny Status Messages
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When I can't fall asleep, instead of counting sheep, I count all the people I have disappointed. 
Yes I’m the ugly friend who gets cropped out of Facebook profile pictures.
No we are not on different wavelengths. Don't blame physics when you're stupid.
I have a confession to make, but I don't think any of you here are priests.
Sorry if I hit a nerve, I was aiming for your jugular.
On Facebook, One man's trash is another man's steady source of naked pictures.
They say you should dress for the job you want, which is why I'm wearing boxers shorts and a heavy scent of bourbon.
Now there is some minister in Missouri setting up a "toy" gun buyback program.. I'm sure all the old folks are gonna be happy this summer when they are spared from being victimized by random squirt gun fire....
Just experienced that rare moment when you flip your hoody up just right and realize that if ever called upon you could wield a light saber and take orders from a little green creature with big ears.....
Blood is thicker than water but chocolate is thicker than both of them.
Well St Patrick's Day is finally over, or as I know it as the day I found out that not all midgets are magical
Everyone be quiet for a minute. A stupid person's trying to think of something clever to say.
in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow
there should be a happy hr during the work day whos on board
Everybody knows that couple that should've broken up sixteen times already because they fight like kangaroos. "We're workin' it out" they alway say. Ummm no. You're "workin' it in."
.If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.
Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?
thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.
the reason why I don't watch most reality tv shows is because of the elimination round why does everyone leave quietly? I personally would come out swearing and breaking things best to end with a bang right?
wondering why after sweating on a hot day; a hot shower feels good? 