Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right

   I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.

   Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema

   I don't celebrate Cinco de Mayo. - said no Juan ever.

   Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.

   So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

   :) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.

   Colin Kaepernick + "Free Speech" = Free Agent!

   How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?