Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First trick or treater at our house is this 5 year old girl I say "What a great costume Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of my favorites" she looks confused and says "I am snooki"

   I'd be a millionaire if I could buy him for what I think of him and sell him for what he thinks of himself.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is

   Friends are like television~ Some are like PBS and always asking for money. Others are like the news, with sad tales to tell everyday, some are like that one station with the foreign language; you don't understand a word of it but you listen and watch

   If you come up to my bedroom door and there is a sock on the door handle it means I'm having sex..... Probably with the other sock.

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..

   Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".

   You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"

   3 people everyone hates: - Anyone asking questions when a meeting is about to end - Anyone who holds the elevator for anyone - Kanye West

   I used to make fun of my dog for barking at dogs on TV until I caught myself in the car pulling over for a siren on the radio.

   There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator

   Facebook's timeline is my favorite way to watch girls from high school get fat.

   I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work

   Don't worry; it's only kinky the first time.

   Since Wikipedia is in blackout today, in protest of online anti-piracy laws, can anyone tell me where the G-Spot is?

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

   I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.

   Graduation speech: I would like to thank Wikipedia, and copy/paste. - I'm out bitc$es

   When I say "It's a long story," it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.