Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   does this "no fly zone" mean I can't use the trip to Libya I purchased from my Nigerian lottery winnings?

   The only reason I would want to see Donald Trump elected as president is so we could see what his hair does when he gets off of that big helicopter...

   pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.

   i love it when I get tailgated on a bumpy road and the driver behind me has no time to avoid the really big pothole that takes away his body kit.

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   There are two types of people in the world: those who know how to handle stress and those who need bail money.

   Saying “I forgive you” is the kindest way to tell someone: “I still think it's your fault.”

   I still lie to my parents about drinking. I'm in my 30s.

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking... Twitter asks what I'm doing... 4Square asks where I am. Conclusion: The internet is my girlfriend.

   when the Neilson Ratings called me to survey what I watch on TV... I let them know what shows are stupid and pointless....Unfortunately, they are still airing JERSEY SHORE!

   Actual Sign in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

   Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.

   likes it when my computer says "Are you sure you wanna continue unprotected?"

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   wonders When did LuLuLemon become the preferred clothing line for overweight and out of shape people?

   I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

   wonders why we dont have names for earthquakes

   Sometimes the thoughts in my head get bored, and go for a stroll out through my mouth. This is rarely a good thing.

   No one is listening until you fart.