Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   I can't believe someone would willingly have the sex with some of you people

   What if the hurricaine just didn't like statues?

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   janet jackson flashes a titty and all hell breaks loose, while on the other hand rick ross can just flaunt his knockers anywhere he wants

   ‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

   Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.

   Well that's the last time I go to the gym. My Hershey bar melted in my back pocket.

   Don't say forever if what you mean is for a few weeks.

   I bet Osama Bin Ladin is looking up from the pits of hell and spewin' he used his real address on his Playstation Account!!

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   I wonder when the first episode Ashton Kutcher gonna punk the cast of two and a half men.