Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   Sour grapes make the very worst whine...get over it, she lost.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   BREAKING: Snow White is down to 6 Dwarves.. Sneezy was just placed in quarantine.

   People are so afraid right now… you could rob a bank with a booger.

   With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!

   I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.

   I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.