Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't want to die, but if I have to, I hope to die in a way so spectacular they name a new piece of protective legislation after me.

   Funny how the sound of a melody, brings back a memory...

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   Yes,,, Yesterday,I let the cat out of the bag,,, But today, There's no way she's getting out of that dishwasher

   the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in

   Had a nightmare that I was married.

   I envy a gay man's ability to not be lured to shipwreck by a nice pair of breasts.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   you aren't single because of your high standards. You're single because you're fugly...

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   its amazing how fast my phone is now that I removed the NFL app.

   ... Former UN President John Ashe “accidentally” crushed his own throat and died coincidentally a week before he was scheduled to testify against Bill and Hillary Clinton. HA ... More like Accidentally on purpose if you ask me!!!

   I should probably return these videos to Blockbuster.

   No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.