Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last

   What's the appropriate snack for watching the series finale of America? Heck, it did have a good 240 year run.

   Why did my wife cross the road? To get back to the first shoe shop we went in three hours ago.

   Just tried to kill a roach with Axe Body Spray, now it's name is Brett and he won't shut up about crossfit.

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?

   Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face

   wife: did the stimulus hit our bank account yet me: *surrounded by 237 Crunchwrap supreme wrappers* n-no

   The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they're trafficking children.

   All this spending on Black Friday! Y'all better pay that electric bill first, or next Friday will be Black Friday too

   When life hands you high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodextrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium fumarate, yellow 5, tocopherol, and less than 3% natural flavours.........make lemonade.

   Why does this day just keep repeating itself?

   Shout out to all the hotel maids working today...... They're the real heroes!

   True love means never having to pick just one hole.

   It doesn't make it right, but there isn't a politician alive that hasn't lied or cheated to get elected.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.