MIke M Funny Status Messages

   So if Jesus doesn't see his shadow when he comes out of his cave this Sunday, does that mean we get 2,000 more years of hell on earth?

   Honestly officer, it's not my fault... Jesus took the wheel...

   Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!

   I say "Monday" like "Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   What I miss most about having kids in diapers is that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after I ate Mexican food.

   If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?

   This status update takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm. Statuses happen in real time.

   Farts are a poop's way of texting, "On my way."

   Do yourself a favor and stay off of a scale for at least a month! Trust me...

   at the circus watching a guy shoot out of a cannon. I thought, "Half of me wants to do that sometime.". Then I thought, "Half of me already did do that the day I was conceived!"

   I feel sorry for the adjective "flaccid" for it will forever be associated with that one thing...

   I just let a disturbance in the force.

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   I wish my laundry were more like me and do itself.

   I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...

   Well'p just saw my fb friend count go down a notch... I wonder if it's something I might have said....

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   wants to wish everyone a happy Mother's Eve, not to be confused with Summer's Eve... a feminine hygiene product.

   Jack Bauer has 24 hrs. to stop the Christians from ending the world!