Lil-David Funny Status Messages

   Two blondes stopped their car to let a funeral pass by..The first blonde asked, "Who died?".The second replied, "I think it is the person in the casket.".

   Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off.

   My pregnant blond girlfriend found out she was having twins, she started cry, and said I don't want to wait 18 months for twins to be born.

   RIP Uncle Phil (James Avery) you were the Prince of Bel Air!

   I forget my password so often I made it incorrect that way when I'm wrong the computer reminds me...

   On Christmas my brothers and sisters come over with all their ADHD kids, they all really love my Amphetamine Apple Pie!

   In a couple year I'm going to be one of those senior citizens that bites and urinates on people, I already do one of them....

   If I get their attention negative or positive I accomplished my intent...

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   it's freezing outside..at least I don't have to walk the 20 feet for a cold beer, the ice window box is just a little stretch...

   Obama needs my dope mans friend, brothers little cousin help to fix his Obamacare site, he's pretty f__king good, if you get him high...

   Governor Chris Christie ran his pie hole for 2 hours, that explains the warmer weather!

   Nothing shows more Christmas spirit then then Egypt, and Sudan they keep sending each other cars- that blow up! Merry Christmas You Filthy Animal!

   My landlord is a very evil man, I'm going to call Kim Jong and tell him all about "My Uncle"

   When I was a kid I prayed for a skateboard, then I realized God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness

   How to solve all the children crossing the southern border illegally, put all the registered sex offenders and pedifiles there to give them candy and greet them!

   I want to move to Colorado that way this be a legal "Wake-N-Bake"

   The Duck Dynasty guys need to to look in their beards, I'm sure there's a few ducks in them...

   The quickest way to a woman's heart, is through her rib cage.

   My mom said were going on vacation somewhere in South Africa, she called it "Kanye West"