@UncleBSolomon Funny Status Messages

   I'd give five bucks to hear First lady Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel".

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   ¡¡¡¡ǝʞɐʇsıɯ ʎq pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ ɐ ʇɥƃnoq ı dlǝɥ

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.

   No matter what happens in life, NEVER give up on my dreams. That is why I sleep till noon.

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   #marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   Being know as a instigator, I'm gonna add "Being thankful we survived Obama' to the thanksgiving blessing just to get the fun going.

   Fun Fact: All the toilet paper in the NSA headquarters has the 4th Amendment printed on them.

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   I wish we lived in a better world. A world where I can order mozzarella sticks, and not get judged or quetioned when I ask them to put cheese on them

   Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you. Me : Really? Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

   For all you #single people: Time to start thawing the #Thanksgiving hot dogs

   Once you go black, that frost bitten toe's gotta come off

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   Imagine: Naked in a room full of people who speak a different language & everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog. 🐕