Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eating four slices of chocolate-peanut butter pie in one sitting is not the greatest idea I ever had. But it's close.

   Anyone else wanna go out for next Halloween as "Narcissistic Introverts with Alcohol and Drug Dependencies coupled with Porn Addictions" ........... or is it just going to be Me again ?

   Anyone find an hour can you please return it thanks. . .

   Sure, "my day" will eventually come. And I fully anticipate it will be heralded by an unexpected explosion of the Sun.

   Oh yes - please give me more unprompted stories about your kids. I'll just keep imagining injecting my brain with an overdose of Novacaine.

   Made it to that level of drunk where you knock over a display in a convenience store.

   The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we'd never know. We'd never know.

   With this election it is easier to scream at the enemy than it is to own your embarrassment

   Wednesday I will have 50% less friends on Facebook.. let's see who makes the cut

   I'll never delete another email again. Just Twitter.

   And that's why some people shopuld never play poker

   No matter who wins the election the government always gets elected

   don't have phone sex, you might get hearing aides..

   later is the best time to do anything

   It's national turkey club sandwich Friday. . .

   There is no security measure as ineffective as an apartment complex gate system.

   it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?

   Be honest....has ANYONE ever eaten the Fruit Cake they got for Christmas?

   My Christmas tree wasn't the only thing that got lit up last weekend!!

   For everyone that talks bad about Walmart, they now carry throw pillows that look like slices of pizza if you wanna take it all back.