Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

   where's the CTRL, ALT and DELETE buttons on life?

   The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you're not will lead to a sweet reward.

   TIP: Make sure the other person has their hand up before you attempt a fist bump.

   Yesterday at the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History Security was all over the area... They patted me up and down a couple of times... They frisked me, I was even groped. Then I got back in line.

   Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

   I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!

   "I have explosive diarrhea" can pretty much get you out of any social commitment.

   I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.

   Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.

   It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.

   Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.

   If you love something set it free because you’re intolerable and love is a prison

   Please don’t ask me for advice about life because I will accidentally screw up yours too.

   I can act my age just fine… until you say ~ hormone

   Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.

   I tried to make whoopee to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass.

   Just sort of hoping for accidental success at this point.

   Listening to The Police on Pandora. ...."I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day." ... Dude, I'm fairly certain that will creep her out. (Just sayin'.)