Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.

   Was watching the old Night of the living Dead. I though how awful that would be. All those smoke detectors beeping from low batteries.

   OJ told the judge "I would kill to get out of here".

   Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....

   Dont forget to remind your exes to look at the solar eclipse today!

   Most wives don't mind if their husband brings some work home with them to do. But my sister sure does. Her husband is a mortician.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner and facial recognition software. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people at the NSA are dancing like little school girls right

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Y'all. I thought we were all streaking as an homage to Hugh Hefner. Anyway, I'm gonna need bail money. Again.

   Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

   Pin Up Boards - A good reminder to let you know you're getting old or that you have too much Sh*t going on in your life that you need to remember!!!

   How can you look at some of the people you see in Wal-Mart and still believe in Intelligent Design?

   This has not been a good time for crzed dictators. First Saddam, then Osama, Charlie Sheen better hide!!!

   Scheming and presenting an outward appearance of good while concealing its opposite...... The sign of the hypocrite.

   The playground for success is a mere paradox to the reality in which we live

   I'm all for abstinence to prevent teen pregnancies and all...But I really do believe that if I would've gotten laid when I was in High School my grades would've been alot better.

   So facebook is down for a few hours. I bet this will be the most productive business day in years.

   Me: Hold still,,, All I'm trying to do is wipe your nose.... Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*

   When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment .... NOW I consider it a mini vacation.

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.