Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   Taking viagra for my sunburn.... Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

   I asked my wife what would you do if I won the lottery? She said I'd take half, then leave you. Great, I won $50.00 here's $25.00 bye bye.

   The moon’s so bright ya gotta wear shades.

   I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.

   If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.

   What is it that you have that other people use more often than you do?....... Your name :)

   Have you solved the PUZZLE or are you still looking for the pieces ?

   Do squirrels ever die from old age or are they all murdered?

   Dictionary the only place where divorce comes before marriage.

   The lack of hair is the main cause of baldness.

   Note to our friends from the south ,The Canadian Word EH! has been replaced with WAH ? Stay stoned my friends .

   Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   Her: What sign are you most compatible with? Me: Krispy Kreme's hot and ready sign.

   With my luck, I'll be reincarnated as me again...

   She is like a low profile tire, sexy, but gonna cost you a bunch of money.

   Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign? Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?