Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.

   And then my moral compass passed out.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.

   In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously

   Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

   I feel safer knowing the Democrats are trying to make a watch list for people on watch lists..

   Your "Restroom For Customer Only" sign means nothing without a lock.

   Don't think I should wear my heart on my sleeve anymore....because that's usually where I sneeze and wipe my nose.

   I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

   Last night the White House staff played softball against a team made up of marijuana lobbyists. Which explains why there were 20 hits BEFORE the game even started.

   You know what this clogged toilet needs? More toilet paper! Kid logic.

   Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.

   There is an 87% chance if your wife still sleeps with a stuffed animal you'll end up as the featured story on Dateline at some point.

   My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

   Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.

   Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.