Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One fun thing about parenthood is being woken up at 5:30 AM on Saturday to discuss Halloween costumes with a 4 year old.

   Gary Johnson probably thought Kim Jong Un was the name of a new strain of weed.

   I will start to worry when there are mime sightings in my neighborhood.

   Yes, the rumor is true. I did poop my pants while running home from the neighbor's house when I was 5.

   Siri, how much would I weigh if I had one of those machines from Star Trek that made food appear out of thin air?

   hate songs that ask you questions like seriously I have no idea what I'm gonna do after the boys of summer are gone.

   Call your doctor if your election lasts longer....I meant erection, but omg I can't wait for this election to be over!!!

   Broke me would like to thank the rich me that had the foresight to stock enough beer that I am now drinking.

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   Some folks exercise their right to vote. I vote my right to not exercise.

   it takes me like 3 days to wake up in the morning

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   The phrase "The Juice is loose" now has a new connotation.

   I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.

   Pizza is like sex, even when it's good it smells like cheese.

   The lower the number of dates you've had is directly proportionate to the greater the chances of your winning on Jeopardy.

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do