Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Canadian Immigration site just crashed...no seriously, it crashed last night around 10:30 pm due to high traffic...let that sink in for a bit.

   *at starbucks.. ME: Can I take some wifi home with me?... BARISTA: Um,,, sure?.... ME: (holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid) ... Thanks.

   I'm looking for funding to publish my last two status updates...

   Why is electricity so expensive these days? Why does it cost so much for something I can make with a balloon and my hair?

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!

   I'm compiling my 2018 resolutions now, just because I know I can procrastinate some times..

   My wife bought me an adult coloring book. I need a bigger variety of flesh colored crayons

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   why call it a tree trimmer and not branch manager

   Remember when 'sex,drugs & rocknroll meant something other than 'sundays, anti-depressants & turn it down?'

   I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth.. Last time I buy a Larvae lamp.

   Drinking coffee in the afternoon is like eating the mushroom that makes you big in Super Mario.

   pro tip....today invest in buying Energizer & Duracell stocks

   I was never insane except that temporary moment when my heart was exposed.

   My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.