Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please God all I want to crave is lettuce, amen.

   On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a weekend for me.

   I fell asleep at the wheel last weekend. My pottery was ruined.

   So, have all you rocket scientists who were still shooting off fireworks at 4am get it out of your system till the 4th of July?

   "I" before "e" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"

   I just found out they sell universal remotes at Wal-mart. Wow! For just $9.95 I can control the whole universe!

   Dr: So, how did you dislocate your shoulder? Me: I panicked when the blood pressure machine at the store got tigh- I mean football..

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words

   One man's trash is another man's profile picture.

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   Based on the amount of money in my retirement account I have no objection to them raising the retirement age to 247.

   I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”

   I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned

   Tip of the Day: Never treat someone like a queen that only treats you like a jester.

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.