Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler. 
Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I made a belt out of herbs; what a waist of thyme.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.
Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.
i wish I was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.
[boiling pot] Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I just threatened to stick my toes in my husband’s beer in case you thought I’m normal in person.
I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.
Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.
Threesome? No, thanks. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd have dinner with my parents.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview? My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight. 