Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   hey didn't Bernie wright a fantasy essay in 1972 fantasizing about raping people? .... Naw .... Dems don't do stuff like that

   There is no doubt in my mind that if people could vote from their couch at home on their X-box or PlayStation, Hillary would win in a landslide.

   When people say "Are you ready for Christmas?" I say "I'm ready for it to be over.

   I call my pecker Whitesnake because here I go again on my own.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   After today's news, I am pretty sure the Clinton's kryptonite is Weiners.

   Nothing puts me into the #Christmas spirit like #shopping. On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, On VISA.

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   There are as many white rappers as there are black country singers and for the same reason .

   In hockey and in women.. periods temporarily stop the fun .

   I'm trying to keep a positive attitude but the only thing I'm positive about is that I have an attitude.

   It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

   You are going to die, there’s no question about it. The question is, are you going to live. Because, half of the people in this world are not living.

   [50 YEARS FROM NOW] Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

   imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

   I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

   Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.