Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.

   Some sheep can't see past the Shepherd ...

   Every time my wife and I have sex, I put a dollar in a envelope. With the money I save up, I use to buy her anniversay gift. This year she getting a Mar's bar.

   I can drive a woman wild with my tongue! I say..‘Have you put weight on?’

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   Overture, turn the lights! This is it. The night of nights. No more rehearsing and nursing a part. We know every part by heart! Overture, turn the lights! This is it. We'll hit the heights! And oh, what heights we'll hit! On with the show, this is it!

   I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

   If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans how can a mask made of cloth protect you from Corona?

   $1.4Bil stimulus sent to people who have died when there are folks still waiting for their 1st check? who cashing em?

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   Everyone is playing Pokemon again, Blink 182 has a #1 song, a Clinton is running for President, Tarzan is in theaters. Welcome to 2001.

   black lives matter on or off this week?

   On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.

   Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood

   Budweiser has rebranded itself as simply "America" this summer because "Fermented Garbage Water" wraps too far around the can.

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...

   Scientists say the Earth is now reflecting too little light back into space. The biggest drop came in 1987 with the death of Liberace.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam....