Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   t's annoying that you have to sexually rub the wall while you search for the light switch in a dark room.

   wants to change my name on facebook to "no-one". then when I add someone it will say "no-one wants to be your friend".

   I prefer to believe that Eleanor Rigby was really quite popular,, and that her funeral just happened to coincide with the "American Idol" finale.

   Facebook needs a “Drama of the day” section in my news feed.

   The silence between my status updates is the sound of my real life.

   The only way I make women wet is by pushing them into the pool.

   I'm a workaholic; I drink at work.

   Thankfully restraining orders don't restrict freedom of thought!

   I gave blood for the local blood drive today. Someone's blood alcohol level is going UP!

   Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed.

   The public is jealous and takes pleasure in destroying good relationships. So what the public doesn't know exist, the public can't destroy. So lets keep our love a secret baby and let it live.

   women know if they want to have sex with a guy within the first five minutes of meeting. How long until they wanna cook?

   My life: Wake up, mess sh*t up, have fun, sleep, repeat.

   According to WebMC, I be illin'.

   United Airlines just received failing grade from the health department for having blood on its Chinese take out.

   A man knocked on my door yesterday asking for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water and shut the door.

   My wife dragged me kicking and screaming to this play. Somebody please kill me. ~Abraham Lincoln

   I just listened to Usher "Let it Burn" and now I think I have Herpes

   I always felt like a boy trapped inside a woman’s body… then I was born.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.