Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

   The rest of the world is watching America like America watched Tiger King.

   Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it

   I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting

   1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.

   Don't You know what they say about Martini's?....Martini's are like T!tt!es.. 1's not enough and 3 too many!

   It's so cute how the outdoors try to compete with the internet.

   "i don't really like blow ups... they just don't do it for me." -overheard in the Christmas inflatables section of Target

   I picked up a bad habit of reading text messages, and then verbally responding to them, and then putting my phone away.

   I bet David Stern is rejecting this divorce and making Kobe and Vanessa stay married.

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   beware the ides of march...