Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.

   I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.

   It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance.

   Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

   Keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

   . Since when do you need a ID to buy a box of cereal ?

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

   CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   Amber Alert, but for the TV remote

   HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.

   Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

   Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.