Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.

   I'm playing fast and loose with milk expiration dates. This day could go anywhere.

   Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad.

   Donald Trump says he didn't discuss Mexico paying for the wall with President Nieto because he thought he was the janitor.

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   Props to all the women who don't have to dress like a slut to get attention from men, stay classy... The rest of you come with me...

   Despite always being pictured as old men most "Founding Fathers" were actually young men during their historic roles in 1776. Alexander Hamilton was 21, Madison was 25, James Monroe was 18, and Thomas Jefferson was 33!!!

   Hey Moms and Dads! Here's a fun game to play: When your kid gets home from school, be lying on the floor screaming in pain, "YOU STEPPED ON A CRACK!"

   Just sprayed "Sheer White Cotton" air freshener in the bathroom. Now, it smells like sheet.

   Just ordered "coffee" off the Starbucks secret menu.

   How long can I stay in a voting booth and scream "I'M STILL THINKING!!!!" before I'm physically removed? Let me know by November.

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...

   Some people are as useless as a "Sign in" button for Myspace.

   Kinda sad that future generations wont get the joy of watching scrabbled porn..."Is that a boobie or an elbow??...Hmm I dont know but it's gonna have too do"...

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   The difference between "INVOLVED" & "COMMITTED" is like an Egg & Bacon Breakfast, the chicken was INVOLVED and the pig was COMMITTED.

   I can't say "rural" and its really frustrating

   Harold Camping's response......appears to be nonexistent at the moment. Maybe he's in hiding, totally embarrassed by failure or he is at the bank counting his money.

   Once a pun a time, I used to be terrific at wordplay.