Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   If I were an actual snowflake, ie the feathery ice crystal with a sixfold symmetry, I'd be highly insulted.

   Life is a terminal disease, that is sexually transmitted.

   I think Oprah Winfrey should marry Deepak Chopra and take his last name.

   Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine's day. Just an FYI.

   Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.

   30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   Don't eat the green snow!!!

   "Im not talking without my lawyer present". Cop:"but you are the lawyer". Me: "Exactly, so where's my present"?

   I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.

   Man with Corona virus seeks woman with Lymes disease

   Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.

   Tomorrow is the National Homeschool Tornado Drill. Lock your kids in the basement until you give the all clear.

   Purell better be working on a combination sanitizer, and murder hornet repellent.

   It rained here in Arizona today, but it was a dry rain.😛

   My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

   I really hope the Covid-19 virus can't be spread from kissing butt.

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.