Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...

   I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat

   This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

   Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.

   I’m just glad election week is over ...

   GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.

   Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

   I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   Women say they want security. At least that's what the scream when I come near them.

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   i guess Trump is now the apprentice.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   $60,000 was stollen from a WholesFood store in NY early this yr. Luckily Wholes Food will make that money back with the next batch of apples they sell.

   I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack. It got really warm though so I put it back in the fridge..

   A lion attacks a bull then eats him in just a few minutes. When he is done he lets out a loud roar. while he is roaring a hunter comes and shoots the lion killing him instatly. The moral of the story? When you are full of bull, keep your mouth shut!!