Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.

   Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   The guy to convince the first blind man he needed Sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   Confucius he say, man who sit on tall toilet is high on pot...

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   Alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Women who chase after younger men are called "Cougars" whereas men who chase after younger women are called "Men".

   You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you have boobs. It's really that simple.

   I can tolerate having a "kick me" note put on my back, but a "wash me" note really cuts to the core.

   Kristen Stewart: 5 movies 1 facial expression.

   Today I seen a hitchiker giving me a thumbs up.....I guess he like my Facebook status??

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right