Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

   My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?

   i hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we havent thought about in a while...demons."

   When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor's trash so you don't get robbed.

   I dont have an attitude you just get on my damn nerves....

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

   You never realize how weird your family is until you start to describe them to someone else

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   On the internet you can be whoever you want. It's odd that so many choose to be stupid.

   I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

   I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "

   When I was little I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.

   Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.

   A sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears... Personally I think its nuts.

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.

   It's sad to see how people seem to put more effort into their wedding than they do into their marriage.