Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   A morning text from me doesn't mean "good morning". It means "I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now".

   Be nice to people on your way up so they won't get suspicious when you're rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Just saw the neighbor's little kid trying to spray whipped cream on his pet cat. I'm thinking he overheard something last night he wasn't supposed to...

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.

   In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.

   the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

   Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium

   If your religion is worth killing for, then do us all a favour and start with yourself.

   Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.

   Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her."

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.