Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was kidnapped by a gang of Mimes earlier!! They did unspeakable things to me...!

   Feels like the whole country is on Maury waiting to find out who’s the father.

   I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it

   Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

   I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.

   For all my friends that have had to work from home since the lockdowns I bet you haven't once reheated fish in your own home.

   I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

   Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

   Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

   When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often

   Legally changing my name to How To Tie a Tie so it's nearly impossible for my employers to google me

   If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

   Starting to suspect I was bitten by a radioactive idiot

   Police: Where you going? Me: With you once you run my name !

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   At least with all the pick-up and. four wheel drives in Texas they shouldn't have much trouble driving in the snow.

   You know the pot holes are ridiculous when it effn looks like the pot hole may lead to underground parking......and another wheel alignment.

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   Q: When can women make you a millionaire? A: When you're a billionaire.

   FOUR STAGES OF A MANS LIFE : 1. You believe in santa. 2. You don't believe in santa. 3. You are santa. 4. You look like santa.