Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why must we end rivers flowing into the pacific ocean?

   Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

   No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.

   I smoke weed on my porch as a warning to all the other weeds

   Why do Troubleshooting Guides always have a resolution for every problem except the one you are having?

   My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they're crying I can say "Gotham needs me"

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   What did Sushi-A say to Sushi-B? Wasabi.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   Airport security has just made sure that I don't have weapons or prostate cancer.

   Some women pay $5000 for breast enlargement. I got my man boobs for free.

   Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street. Cop: Those are traffic lights, what's exactly in the thermos ma'am?

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   Some good tax news for you Michigan trolls. The IRS announced today that you can write off your Michigan Wolverine football season tickets as a total loss.

   Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!

   STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! We will we will drink you STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! STOMP! STOMP! CLAP! *pours vodka after bad day*

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...

   Little known fact: BILL NYE is short for William New Years Eve

   Some sad news to report on the second day of the new year....Our Hamster, Louie passed this morning, he fell asleep at the wheel