Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people share "Lost Dog" posts on FB? Most dogs aren't even on FB.

   let a blind guy borrow money tonight,he said he'll pay me back next time he see's me...wait a minute......

   I'm always the first one to say "I love you" in a gangbang.

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors but furniture polish contains real lemons?

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

   The Falcons won the popular Vote!

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?

   I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."

   Plan to change the air in your tires soon. Replace that winter air in your tires for best inflation during summer months. Most mechanics will do this for you for free on April 1st.

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   If your palm itches, you're going to get something. If your crotch itches, you've already got it.

   I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.

   Cop: Sir,do I have your permission to search your vehicle ? Me: If I say no,will you bring the K-9 unit out ? Cop: Yes ! Me: Can I pet the dog ?

   I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

   Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have