Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you run out of money at the fair, remember you can eat as much mustard & ketchup as you want for free.

   I'm that type of a guy who puts a song on repeat until the artist begs for water

   Men, if you are birthday shopping on a budget you can buy your wife two roses from a florist or a whole rotisserie chicken from sams.....just saying.

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.

   I'd rather be known for nothing than known for something ignorant.

   I'm bored. Let's see, I'll take a pic of me with my dog, then tag it with 97 facebook friends, then watch 'em go cuckoo.

   There will be a huge demand on all European hair this week! So buy stock and shares in hair!

   It's easier to fall asleep in class than in my bed at home.

   Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

   Dreamed I fell asleep at work and it freaked me out when I woke up there

   Love with no expectations in return and you will know how to love yourself more than anyone could in this screwed up world.

   For a change I'd like to meet someone who could be my potential soulmate and who is not halfway across the world.

   There's hungry and there's hungry enough to eat microwaved french fries hungry...

   so a pony doesn't grow into a horse?

   I would probably buy the iPhone5 if it kept me from drunk dialing my exes.

   I guess having voices in your head isn't so bad if it's James Earl Jones or Morgan Freeman.

   Just told a girl that she has two centipedes on her face but then I realized it was her drawn on eyebrows.

   Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a bag over that personality.

   I completed one push up without stopping. Normally I go half way then take a break