Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP

   Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We'll take care of that. Me: And...the other thing? Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn't mean they are willing to take your kids.

   Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.

   "Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"

   Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

   There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.

   I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...

   Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

   I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.

   wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]

   Fact: “Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

   Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

   My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo

   The main difference between a Nudist and a Streaker is the type of blur your local TV News channel uses of the incident.