Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say, “All the good ones are taken.” Which is absolutely true. I’m single.

   I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   The baby gets really annoyed when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

   My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.

   SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow. ME: *paying bills online* I'd wait

   in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

   Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it. I think about this a lot

   horrifying if literal: the electric slide

   It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.

   An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career

   Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal* Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

   Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

   You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.

   The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.

   my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.

   One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work.

   Rise up against E.D. The Erectial Disfuction epedemic should not be taken softly...

   The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..

   I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"

   [forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?